This post is not all about triathlon, or maybe it is.
Four years ago I defended my PhD - at that time the biggest accomplishment of my life, 6 years of not only research, but also trying to find myself, figure out what I wanted from life, loving research, hating research, exploring and finding a passion for teaching.
This period, 4 years ago, was more though, it was a period of transition. It was the week after I had won the age group race at 70.3 Chattanooga - it was unexpected and at that time I still had no idea what that would set into motion. It was also a few days before my grandmother - one of the most important people in my life - passed away. But I’ll talk more about her later. It was a couple weeks before I went to the USAT coaching clinic - the start of my coaching career, first for evolve, now for QT2 systems. It was also the place where I (completely unexpectedly) met Becca, who I would marry 4 months later. It was a couple months before I would talk to Tim on the phone about coaching and would attend a small pro training camp, helping me make the decision to race as a professional triathlete the following year. It was a few months before I’d move to Wisconsin and start my new job as a tenure track assistant professor in the Carroll University physical therapy program. It was in every way a summer of change - all of it exciting, all of it the start of leading to where I am now.
My grandmother - only briefly mentioned before - passed away 4 years ago today. She was the only person I called every week. Being so far away was hard on her, but she knew this was where I needed to be and she understood. She was the oldest daughter of 12 kids which meant she had to babysit her siblings instead of going to school, when all she wanted to do was learn. At 18 she was asked to join a neighboring family in their move to Asia as their Au Pair, which was an opportunity she took without hesitation. She spent over 10 years in different countries, meeting people and learning about different cultures. What I saw most in my grandmother was her love and compassion for everyone. She did not care about wealth or objects, she truly cared about people and she valued people that really cared about others. She had friends in high places, but was also close with the guy on the street corner and the immigrant family that lived in the neighborhood and whom she helped when they had no place to stay. She loved having coffee with her doctor and politician friends, but just as much loved taking care of the elderly in her building and the home she volunteered and visiting the bakery run by people with mental disabilities - whom all knew her by name (and provided the cakes for many a birthday and eventually her funeral).
I often think about my grandmother, but with unrest currently in this country even more so. She did not care about the color of your skin, how you grew up, where you came from, she cared about your morals when it came to other people. She was a devout protestant, but to her it was about more than believing in god. In her later years she took theology classes, she read every religious book she could get her hands on. She understood it did not matter what you believed in, it was about the bigger picture, what it taught you about compassion, about creating a community. She knew I did not believe in god, we did discuss that sometimes. She prayed for me, but never judged me for it - as long as I cared for the people around me. And when I brought my first girlfriend to her birthday celebration, she embraced her without hesitation. She just wanted me to be happy, and to be the best me I could be, at whatever I chose to do and with whomever I decided to do that.
Today - I live in Houston with Becca, I work part-time in a research lab, I spend many hours a day training for races that might or might not happen this year. I feel conflicted, in more ways than one.
I know I am privileged to lead the life I am leading. I am white, had the opportunity to get a great education, to live in different countries and see many more. I have a job, I have a smart, funny, supportive wife with a great job, who is allowing me to spend most of my time doing what I love: training and racing. But - should I be doing something, using my privileged position to do something for the people that are not in my position?
In the back of my mind there is always this little voice - shouldn’t I be doing more? Is my focus on being a professional triathlete selfish? Shouldn’t what I do matter to the world?
I don’t have an answer - if there is one thing I do know is that I love triathlon. I know I won’t be doing this forever, but right now I know I am still getting better at it every day and I want to give it my best.
But I do feel conflicted - I get stressed out when I am tired and can’t focus on my other work, I often feel like maybe I’m just not cut-out for science (I already felt this way during my PhD), I wonder what it is I really want to do with my life, I mostly question if any of what I’m doing even matters, has a bigger purpose - shouldn’t I be doing more?
I don’t think these are questions I can answer right now. I know I at some point need to figure out what I want in terms of my future career, be it in science, or teaching, or maybe something completely different. I know I have the ability to do something, and do it well. But today, I want to be the best athlete I can be.
I think many of us want it all and want to be it all, but sometimes we also need to accept that we can’t do it all at once, we don’t have to do it all right now. But maybe, if we all try a little bit harder to listen to and understand each other, embrace our differences, we can make this world a better place along the way.
What are some of the pressures you put on yourself? What are your short and long-term goals?